Souran Eater Host Club!
by LiKaTaSa
Summary: Lord Death sends his top meister-weapon meisters into Japan to bring the pre-kishin numbers down and to find the weapons that Death Scythe Asuza had sensed on a mission. Meanwhile, the Host Club needs to find new hosts to accommodate for the increase of female students!
1. Chapter 1

_Would Death the Kid, Maka Albarn, Black Star, Tsubaki Nakatsukasa, Elizabeth Thompson, Patricia Thompson and the octopus-headed weapon of my daughter please come to the Death Room. Lord Death has a mission for you._

Soul scowled. "Have I mentioned how much I hate your dad?"

Maka snorted, putting her books away. "Have I mentioned how he _isn't_ my dad?"

Liz snickered before turning to Kid. "Hey, do you know what this is all about, Kid?"

Kid put a hand to his chin in though, resting his other hand on his waist as he thought. "Now that I think about it, I remember him saying something about teaching us a new technique."

Maka rose a brow of disbelief. "Lord Death himself is going to teach us something?"

"I just wanna know why Death Scythe didn't say my name first!" Black Star yelled with irritation.

"I don't think that's important right now, Black Star." Tsubaki said, resting a hand on his shoulder gently to calm him.

"Yeah, _Black Star_. Not everything's about _you,_ you know." Maka growled at him, still angry at the boy for spilling soda on her favorite novel.

"Calm down, _bookworm_. You're just upset that I got called to the office too." He accused.

She gritted her teeth. Soul grabbed her arm and shot Black Star a glare. "Dude, lay off it. You already pissed her off enough for one day."

Kid silenced them all with a loud cough. They turned to him in unison and he pointed to the Death Room door. "We have to go inside at some point, you know."

Maka sighed and straightened her posture, pulling her arm away from Soul and shooting a glare to Black Star that promised another argument later. "Kid's right. We have work to do."

Black Star grunted noncommittally and Tsubaki frowned slightly, displeased that her friends were fighting.

The group walked into the Death Room to be greeted by the eccentric shinigami, Lord Death. "Hey! Wassap, wassap? How's it going?"

Maka opened her mouth to report in officially but he just waved it off. "No need to go through that, there're too many of you. I want to get started right away!"

"Oh, my Maka's so professional, she's definitely a good choice for this!" The gang, excluding Maka and Soul, turned to the left to see the red-haired Death Scythe walking towards them. Spirit took a look at Soul and scowled. "I'm not so sure about that one, though. He's nothing but a good-for-noth-"

"REAPER-CHOP!"

Maka sighed in relief. "Thank you, sir."

"He really gets annoying, I wonder how you survived him so long." Lord Death grumbled, shaking off his hand.

Maka laughed nervously and Black Star decided to end this. "EXCUSE ME, BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE WHEN I COULD BE OFF SKIPP-"

"-ing down an educational road with the teachers!" Tsubaki interjected, not wanting her meister to get into trouble.

"Father, please just tell us what's going on so we don't sit here rambling and arguing like dimwits." Kid said, shooting a glare to Black Star who looked very close to tackling Maka.

"I want to teach you all about mirror-jumping!" The reaper said excitedly, clapping his large white hands.

The group went silent and Kid sweat-dropped. "Um, father, isn't that something only reapers are able to do?"

"Right now, yes, but imagine how much easier things could be if everyone at the academy could travel like us! Then souls could be collected much faster!" Lord Death cheered, happy he came up with such an idea.

Soul smirked. "That sounds cool. Where do I sign up?"


	2. Chapter 2

Six people sat at a table in the third music room as their king paced in front of them.

Hikaru and Kaoru sighed in unison, casting an annoyed glare to the shadow king. "Can't you just tell us what he's worried about?"

Kyoya glanced up from his clipboard and smiled. "I wish I could, but for once I don't know what's going on in that big head of his."

The blonde pacing in front of them stopped and turned to Kyoya with a pout. "I don't have a big head..."

Haruhi snorted, her attention mostly on her history textbook. "Sorry senpai, but you do. In the metaphorical sense anyways."

The twins snickered at her quip and Tamaki snuck away to his corner.

"Enough of this." Kyoya said, standing up. "Just tell us what you gathered us here for, Tamaki. We need to get ready for our guests soon."

Tamaki sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "It has come to my attention that our guests' numbers are increasing."

"Yes, I told you this yesterday. What exactly are you thinking, Tamaki?" Kyoya pressed.

"I'm getting there!" He whined. He took a breath and looked around at each of the hosts. "If we don't get new hosts, we're going to be overwhelmed with guests."

"Okay, so we get new hosts," Hikaru shrugged, resting an arm around his twins.

"What's the problem here?" Kaoru asked, unaware of the tension building around the boss.

"Oh, I get it!" Honey cried. "It has to be someone we can trust to keep Haru-chan's secret, right?"

Tamaki nodded, but then he let out a cry and tackled Haruhi with a hug. "Don't worry, Haruhi! Daddy'll make sure no one tells your secret! I'll pick the perfect host!"

Haruhi pinched him and he let go. "What did I say about the hugs, Tamaki-senpai?"

"I-I just thought maybe you were worried, s-so I thought I'd, I would comfort you!" Tamaki stuttered, concerned that she might be mad at him.

"And why would I be worried?" Haruhi asked, not really caring though.

"Because if we don't get a new host, the club won't be able to run anymore." Kyoya explained.

The twins and Honey gasped, distraught at the idea of the club closing.

"Takashi! I don't want the club to close!" Honey wailed, clinging to the tall boy.

"It's alright." He said. He pat the loli-boy's head once which calmed Honey greatly.

"Mori-senpai's right!" The red-heads yelled determinedly.

"It's decided then! We're going to hold auditions here next week!" Tamaki declared.

Haruhi rolled her eyes. "Great."

Hikaru cleared his throat and both twins rose their hands. "We can't interview people. We're busy."

"It's okay, the rest of us'll do it, then!" Tamaki said, actually glad that the little devils were skipping out.

"Takashi and I can't either, he has kendo meeting all week after school next week." Honey explained, hugging Usa-chan to his chest and smiling apologetically to the other blonde.

"Well that's alright! It'll just be Mommy, Haruhi and I then!" Tamaki cheered. His two most favorite people in the world!

"Sorry, Tamaki. I actually have to work on our accounts. But I'm sure Haruhi wouldn't mind working with you." Kyoya said, giving a sinister smile to the female.

"Do I have to?" Kyoya opened his mouth and she groaned, interrupting him. "Yeah, the debt, I know. Fine."

Tamaki whooped joyfully. "YAY! HARUHI AND I GET TO BE ALONE TOGETHER ALL NEXT WEEK!"

Haruhi opened his mouth to correct him but Kyoya put a hand on her shoulder. "Let him have his moment."


	3. Chapter 3

Maka looked at the each of their own. The whole gang was in the Death Room, wearing casual clothes over their usual garb. Kid even had a beanie on to cover his lines of Sanzu.

They all looked a little anxious. Even Black Star, who kept scratching at his legs through the black denim. "THESE STUPID JEANS ARE TOO ITCHY!"

Tsubaki tugged on the sleeves of her yellow sweater and smiled at her meister apologetically. "It was a direct order from Lord Death."

"We need to look inconspicuous. If your shorts weren't on the list, then Lord Death deems them too-" Maka was interrupted by Lord Death's appearance in the mirror.

"Hey! Hi! Wassap, wassap? How you doin'?" He asked merrily.

"Hello, Father. We're all ready for departure." Kid stepped forward and turned back to the rest of the group. "Last night, my father and I further discussed the arrangements of this mission. We all know the reason for this, correct?"

"There's a lot of kishins in Japan and we need to help cut down their numbers. Then, when the situation is under control, we come back via mirror and hope that the weapons and meisters there can keep the situation stable."

...

"Wow, Patti. You are way more attentive than I give you credit for." Soul's eyes were as wide as everyone else's.

Patti giggled and rose her hand. "Nope! I had big sis write it on my hand!"

Liz groaned and rubbed her temple. "You're supposed to play it off, Patti."

"Oooooh! Sowwie, sis!"

Maka cleared her throat and everyone turned to her. "In addition to what Patti... read, we're also going to spend a lot of time traveling by mirror in order to perfect the technique."

Lord Death nodded and hummed thoughtfully. "Well... To be entirely honest, I didn't tell you everything."

Kid sighed and muttered something under his breath.

"You see, the Death Scythe I have in charge in that division said that she picked up some signs of a weapon or two living in the area where the kishins seem to circle. So, I had her look into it a bit and learned that this weapon is a student at a certain Ouran Private Academy."

Tsubaki gasped. "I had a cousin that went there! In fact I think he still goes, I wonder if he's actually a weapon..."

Lord Death clapped. "Oh goodie! Then you can tell them all about the school you all are going to be attending!"

Black Star balked. "What?"

"Buh-bye!" Lord Death waved and vanished from their view.

Kid cursed and said, "Father! You mustn't be so unprofessional! What makes you so sure that they'll be upset?"

Black Star pulled on his hair. "OF COURSE I'D BE UPSET! THE WHOLE POINT OF LEAVING DEATH CITY FOR A MISSION IS TO GET OUT OF SCHOOL!"

Maka Chopped him quickly and turned to Tsubaki. "So, tell us about the school."

Tsubaki bit her lip. "Well, my cousin is also from a big family, they're more famous through out the human society, though."

Soul rose a brow. "Who are they? Maybe I know them."

Tsubaki looked up at him. "The Ootori family? Kyo's a really distant cousin, but we've come to be relatively good friends. He sends me letters occasionally."

Soul wracked his mind for the Ootori name. "Um... They're mostly medically involved, right?"

Maka glanced over at him. "Is your family associated with theirs?"

Soul nodded subtly. "I think our family's doctors were involved with their health-care business. At least some of them. I'm not sure though, they didn't really like to talk to me..."

Maka put a comforting hand on his shoulder and he smiled at her slightly.

Kid cleared his throat. "Well. Tsubaki. I hope you can inform us of the school once we get there as we're all going to be attending while we kill off the kishins and search for the hidden weapon or weapons. Asuza admitted to having felt the presence of several souls with peculiar wavelengths. Unfortunately, with the odd amount of kishin eggs rising around the area, she's been too busy to investigate."

Maka took a deep breath. "This is a lot of responsibility... But I think we're up for the challenge. Right, Soul?"

Soul nodded with a cocky smirk and they bumped fists.

Black Star groaned. "Well, school sucks, but if a god like me couldn't deal with something like that, then how big would I really be?"

Kid smiled. "Wonderful. Then I guess we're all ready. Now, there's one obstacle we need to jump... who here speaks Japanese?"

Tsubaki, Black Star, Soul and Maka raised their hands along with Kid.

Kid rose a brow at Maka. She let her head drop and met him with a level stare. "My name is _Maka_. My mother is Japanese."

Kid nodded and then looked to Soul, who simply shrugged. "Part of being rich. Learning languages that you'd usually never need to know."

Kid accepted this and already knew of both Tsubaki and Black Star's Japanese heritage. "Well, out of us, only I speak Japanese, as per my role as the Death God's heir, so Liz and Patti are going to be playing the role of my American maids."

Liz grumbled and Patti giggled and they gang continued to make plans such as living arrangements and collecting the student applications from Stein.

This was going to be a very long and complicated mission.

* * *

A/N: This story kind of escaped me.

Sorry.

Agh, it's bad. Whatever. I'll ask someone to comb through it for me.

Please review, tell me what I can do to make this bearable for the both of us.


	4. Chapter 4

Haruhi rubbed her eyes and opened the door to reveal a way-too-hyper-for-5-in-the-morning Tamaki. She, in her groggy haze, made the mistake of engaging. "Tamaki-senpai? What are you doing here? It's _Sunday_. At _5 in the mo__rning_. You do realize people sleep in on the weekend, right?"

Tamaki squealed at the sight of her brown hair in a natural disarray and the sleepy-gaze over her eyes as she yawned at him. "You're so _adorable_! I'm sorry I woke you up, Haru-hi! I just figured that we could go over what we're looking for in our new host or _hosts_!"

Haruhi started to close the door. "Come back in ten hours, then we can talk."

Tamaki pushed the door back open with a desperate expression. "But Haru-hi! What if we can't decide in time for the auditions tomorrow? Then we'll either have to postpone and lessen the chances of finding the _one_ or we'll have to wing it and lessen the chances of finding the _one!_ Or _two_."

Haruhi groaned and stepped out of the way. "Come in... I'll make us some tea..."

"O-kay! I'll start working on a list of attributes that our new host, or hosts, must have!" Tamaki sprinted in and set his bag down next to the kotatsu in her living room.

Haruhi closed the door slowly, rubbing her temple. She hopes to quell the threatening migraine that teetered on the edge of eruption.

"Oh, and Haruhi? Can you make me some commoner's ramen? I forgot to eat breakfast this morning and I've been trying to get my hands on some. I'm sure you'd be willing to make me some of the shrimp ramen, right?"

And there it was. Hello, excruciating pain.

* * *

"Okay! Let's go over what we have!"

Haruhi lifted her head from the table and eyed the pile of papers that bore the list Tamaki had just spent three hours writing for the both of them. "Uh... Aren't you being a bit demanding, senpai?"

"Of course not! The new host, or hosts, _must be perfect!_ He has to be trustworthy, loyal, charming, chivalrous, smart, handsome, -"

"Haruhi, sweetheart?" The pair looked up to see Ryouji standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Yeah, dad?"

"Can you tell your idiot of a friend to keep his annoying voice down? I'm afraid I'm going to get a headache if he continues to chatter so noisily." The tranny finished speaking with a sharp glare to the nervous blonde.

"O-Of course! I'm sorry! I'll be sure to keep my-" Tamaki was interrupted yet again, but by a foot to the face.

"THAT IS NOT QUIETING DOWN, LITTLE BOY! YOU NEED TO RESPECT YOUR ELDERS MORE!" Ranka continued to rub his foot roughly into Tamaki's cheek as the young boy began to plead for pardon.

Haruhi sighed and grabbed one of the papers, scanning it quickly. Haruhi wrinkled her nose. "_'Must have curly hair_'? _'Must know m__ore than two languages other than Japanese_'? Geez, Tamaki is putting way too much thought into this..."

"Ooh, I like the 'green eyes' bit." Haruhi jumped a bit, unaware that her father had been reading along with her. "How do you plan to find one person with all of these characteristics, though?"

Tamaki pushed himself up and off of the ground, cradling his cheek. "I suppose we could be flexible with a _few_ of these..."

Ryouji brought a hand up to his chin, fine brows furrowing in thought. "What if, instead of searching for these specific features, you just test them for their compatibility with your club?"

"You mean, have them host and asses their positive and negative aspects?" Haruhi clarified.

"Yes, exactly!" Ryouji squealed with glee. "Oh! We can dress up my little Haruhi like a princess so no one will recognize her and she'll be the test!"

Tamaki grinned. "I like your thinking!"

Haruhi set her jaw. "No."

"Oh, she's the perfect girl for the job! None of your sleazeball moves affect her, so you can easily weed out the weaker ones."

"No."

"You're right! She's not easy to affect emotionally, but she'll know what to look for!"

"No."

"You know, I have a dress that I bought her a few months ago that she has yet to wear! And she can borrow one of my wigs, too."

"_No._"

"Wonderful! As long as the dress isn't too revealing, we wouldn't want them to get any ideas."

"I keep saying, '_No.'"_

"Of course it's not revealing! What do you take my Haruhi for, some kind of harlot?!"

Haruhi sighed. "Here we go."

"N-no! Of course not! I know that your daughter is the purest soul in the world!"

_SMACK_! "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KEEPING YOUR VOICE DOWN?!"

Haruhi gathered up the papers and walked over to the trash can. "Guess I better mentally prepare myself for this..."

* * *

A/N: Okee, well, I got a review and it got me excited because, YOU READ MY MIND ABOUT THE FUTURE HOST! But Shhhh, don't tell anyone!

I'm glad people aren't barfing at this story :)

Please review! Or else Ryouji will kick your face and Maka will take your soul...

They both had rough nights.


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